Jokes for work and play - [now with sound]

The way I look at it, What office, factory, construction site etc. doesn't have a joke or two flying around the work place from time to time? To me a good joke will bring a smile to the faces of many people, and smiles are a good thing at work or at play. That said, Let the Jokes begin ;-)

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts:

"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"
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New Doctor

    I recently picked a new primary care physician.
    After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I
   was doing "fairly well" for my age.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
    resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be
   80?"

     He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or
    wine?" "

     Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

     Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
     barbecued ribs?"

     I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very
     unhealthy!"

     "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
     golf, sailing, ballooning, rock climbing ?"
     "No, I don't," I said.

     He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
     sexually fool around?"

     "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

     He looked at me and said,
"Then why would you want to live to be 80?"

So much for progress

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Subject: President Hillary

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary again says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
**************

Click the link (requires sound) You will smile... I Promise ! !

Click Here

Peace ;-)
********

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN ?

I MISS YOUR HELP, SON !

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Bubba

At 4A.M.the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Bubba.

My Friend Is Dead!

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Freudian Slip

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Nader, Gore and Bush

Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you believe Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Gore ever relaxes).
After a healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the gentleman's room. Be sure to check out our latest feature: a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a wish. But be warned -- if you say something false, you'll be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity. "They entered, and on finding the mirror Nader said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three." In an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money, which he donated to the Green Party.
Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three." And he suddenly found the keys to a new Lexus in his hand, which he liked because it was better than his own car.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, Bush looked in the mirror and said, "I think..." - and was promptly sucked into the void.

Nice and clean!
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here is one that has not one dirty word in it. (Go ahead - read it anyway!)

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

Computer Virus Warnings

Several new viruses have been discovered and are
wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of.
THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus.....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb,
then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus....
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Trivia or Humor... You Decide !

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tillie were sitting on a
park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher
approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
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"A New Car"

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to
steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"Oh, we don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting."

"What on Earth are you waiting for?" asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

Blonde Jokes

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.

He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
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BLONDE one liners
1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)

Help Desk Calls

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

**********
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

**********
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

**********
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen.
"What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The
conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
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The Mailman

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in them
driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The
Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is
the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas
Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we
started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the
bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our
"units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who
it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four
or five times."

********************************************************

Redneck CPR

Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down,
turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "I Reckon," said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no."
Kin yew talk?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how
that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

Responding To Rejection

The next time you (or anyone you know) receives a rejection letter after
having interviewed for a job, send the following letter back in reply:

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of May 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to
accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates,
it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs
at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department
this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

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( Disclaimer: Please keep in mind, whatever I write is one man's opinion. But last I checked, freedom of speech was still legal in America. Any links leaving my sites, are the opinions of others. We are not responsible for what other people write about or think. )